Carth's Message
by AnimeAngel90
Summary: Revan leaves for the Unknown Regions with only her two droids for company, leaving everyone else she loves behind. But Carth isn't quite prepared to let her go...what if she sees what he told T3? Will it change her decision, or just make things worse?
1. From T3

**AN: I just can't seem to stick to one fandom now can I? This one was inspired by my recent re-obsession with Knights of the Old Republic, and the recorded conversation Carth has with T3 about an LSF Revan before she leaves for the Unknown Regions. What if Revan saw it?**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

Revan scowled as she poked at T3's insides. She had built an assassin droid from scratch with extreme homicidal tendencies, unwavering loyalty to her, and a ridiculous attitude, so fixing a little astromech droid should have been a piece of cake. She suspected droid mechanics was one of those things in her missing memory though – a stupid thing to make her forget. Unless they were worried she'd build another HK? Frustrated at trying to fix T3, the idea of sending an assassin after those Jedi was vaguely appealing – until she remembered they were most likely all dead at Malak's hand.

She sighed and sat back, swiping her hair out of her eyes with the back of her hand. "Who made you so hard to fix eh?" she muttered, gesturing with the hydrospanner.

T3 just beeped his equivalent of a shrug. Revan scowled again, rocking forward onto her heels to try again. She was determined that no little amount of wiring would beat her. Bastila would have scolded her for her stubborn streak, lips twitching slightly. Carth would have laughed and teased her.

She swallowed at the thought of Carth. She still hated herself for leaving without saying goodbye, but she just couldn't bear to look into his eyes and say she was leaving. So, like the coward she was, she'd left her beloved pilot with nothing but a few empty words on a datapad. Months of unfailing support and love and wonderful happy moments, and all she left him were memories and not even a whole screen's worth of data.

Selfish. Coward. As heartless as the Dark Lord she had been before. She sighed, dark hair falling in front of her eyes again as she visibly shook those thoughts out of her head. She had a job to do. She was saving everyone. That wasn't selfish. It would have been more selfish to stay behind. More selfish to stay and be loved by a wonderful man and be happy, when she had personally destroyed that future for so many others.

Swallowing again, she sniffed slightly and resumed poking at T3's interior. HK shifted from his guard by the wall. "Query: Master..."

"I'm fine!" she shot back before he could finish, sniffing again as she jabbed T3. T3 beeped rather loudly at what she'd done, and she felt worse. "Sorry T3, I'm all to pieces," she said softly. "I miss everyone. They....they probably don't care that I'm gone," she continued sadly, loneliness driving her to rather low self-esteem. She knew they would miss her, but she was sad and lonely and was going to be miserable if she felt like it.

HK tilted his head slightly as he watched Master's eyes well up. She'd told him that such a thing meant someone was "emotional", whatever that meant. "_So you shouldn't say things to upset them....on second thought, you probably shouldn't say anything to them_" she'd told him.

HK didn't quite understand that first part – all he knew was that seeing Master like this made him want to kill something. Well, more than he usually wanted to. Not that he didn't appreciate that, but it was rather annoying to be stuck somewhere with nothing he could actually kill when he really felt like killing things.

But if she wanted the annoying little astromech droid fixed, it was going to happen. What Master said goes. So, while Master sat there looking all sad and talking about how the others must hate her (personally, HK thought she was better off without them, but Master said she liked them), HK stomped over to her side, grabbed another hydrospanner, and proceeded to repair T3, who seemed slightly worried about this turn of events.

"Answer: Do not worry, little nuisance. This unit knows what he is doing."

Revan wiped her eyes with the heel of her hand, staring at the droids in confusion.

"Query: What is this annoying extra bit Master? This should not be here – should I blast it out?"

Revan scrambled to her feet, shaking her head. "No no HK, that's not necessary," she said hastily, smiling slightly at T3's visible "dwoo" of relief. She then tilted her head to look at the little droid. "But what's wrong?"

"Answer: The inferior droid appears to be hiding something in its memory Master."

Her eyes widened. "Really? T3, what are you hiding?"

Beep!

"Explanation: Master, hidden data is hidden for a reason."

Revan frowned. "I brought you two with me because I knew I could trust you. I...you can't stay if I can't trust you, if you keep secrets."

"Alarmed observation: But Master! I cannot defend you from meatbags if you send us away!"

She sighed, ignoring the horrified HK droid (she wondered how he'd react if he knew she'd install the pacifist package if she sent him away?), and focusing on the astromech. "Please T3."

T3 beeped softly, seeming sad.

"Explanation: You leave him no choice Master."

T3 rolled back slightly, and then began to play the holocron embedded in his memory. Revan's eyes filled with tears as she recognised Carth staring out at her, his expression drawn and sad.

"_T3, there's not much time – I've seen that expression on her face before. Now, I don't know where she's planning on going, but it's dangerous_." He sighed.

"_She's going to leave without telling me_," he continued, his face tightening and his voice sounding hollow. "_And I don't know why, but there's a chance she'll take you. If she does, I need you to watch out for her_."

"_She's strong_," he said, sounding proud despite the haunted look on his face, "_But she can't face everything alone. Do what you can T3 – if she doesn't_..." He paused, swallowing. "_If she doesn't make it back, I need you to come back, find help. If not me..._" Again he paused. "_If not me, then other Jedi, or the Republic_."

He swallowed, eyes tightening and voice getting hoarser. "_I can't lose her, even if she wants to be lost_."

Revan's heart broke. He'd known...he'd known all along that she was going. He knew she wouldn't say anything. He knew her so well...yet loved her all the same. Tears streamed down her cheeks as she rocked back on her heels.

"You've already lost me Carth," she said quietly, turning away from the droids and quickly heading into the cockpit. "You deserve so much more than me, and I'm giving you that chance. No, I'm fighting for you to have that chance. I'm fighting for all of you – for the lives you could lead without me. For the lives you _should_ lead without me. I'll fight for you, for all of you," she continued, sitting in her chair and changing the navigation settings.

Turning back to look at the droids, she shook her head sadly. "Even they are too important, too special. I can't...I can't do this with someone to risk. You'll understand – that's why I couldn't take you. But now I can't take T3 or HK either – they're linked to you and the others. Too important for me to waste on my mission," she said softly.

"I'm sorry Carth, but I was already lost when you tried to find me," she said sadly, a tear slipping down her cheek.

That night, while the droids were in sleep-mode, she re-programmed them both. Made them forget too. Told them to find and help the Jedi, but not to mention her. And as soon as she landed, she sold them both. The Hawk she would keep a bit longer, until its comfort also proved too much.

Revan was a fighter, and always had been. Fought to defend the things she loved. Fought to cherish and protect. She couldn't fight with the things she loved right there.

Carth would understand. Carth had left his family to go to war, to defend them. She left her family to go to war too. She would fight better without them. Her love for him and the others would keep her going when their presence might cause her to fail.

She loved Carth. She really did. But Revan was a fighter. And she couldn't fight with him.


	2. From the Exile

**And here's the second part of this story - originally it was going to be a one-shot, but I had to write more. I'm still not entirely happy with it, but I can't stand to re-write it anymore, so here you go! Please let me know what you think!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

Revan sniffed slightly as she inspected her glass, frowning as she downed the Corellian whiskey in one shot. She contemplated buying another round when she felt someone's clothes brush her own as they settled into the stool beside her.

The newcomer rapped their knuckles on the bar, but the bartender pointedly ignored them. Revan, unconcerned, took a drink from the other mug she'd ordered earlier, not really caring what was in it.

The newcomer then spoke. "Sheesh, can you believe the nerve of these guys?" she muttered, voice obviously feminine even as she growled.

Revan placed her drink on the table, turning blue eyes to face her neighbour. "If you didn't look so bright they might be nicer to you," she commented, lips twitching slightly. "You look like such a girl."

"You're no cupcake yourself," she replied, frowning.

Revan snorted. "Cupcake? What kinda fools you been hanging out with, General?"

The Exile's eyes lit up for a moment before she looked down at the bar. "The best ones," she said wistfully. Recognising that expression, Revan wordlessly passed her drink (was it some form of vodka? She wasn't really sure) to her friend, and she downed it.

"Left some good people behind, General?"

She nodded, expression dark.

Revan sighed, ordering another drink with a glare at the bartender. "Ain't that always the way," she muttered.

The women sat in silence for several minutes, each calmly sipping at their drinks. It was the Exile that broke the silence.

"You know Rev, I came looking for you for a reason."

Revan frowned. "Oh yeah? I figured as much. Why do you think you found me in the first place?"

She snorted. "You're not that mysterious. Once I started at the beginning, it was easy enough to find the end."

Revan shook her head. "Cryptic as ever...that's why you only ever made General."

She frowned, then laughed. "No, it's because you were far too stubborn to put someone else in charge," she teased, before falling silent again. Revan acknowledged her with a nod, but said nothing.

She then spoke again. "I have a message for you," she said quietly.

Revan snorted again. "Who the hell wants to send me messages anyway?" she said darkly, before sighing. "I guess you should tell me."

The Exile stood up, and slapped some credits on the bench. "If you find her, tell her... tell her that Carth Onasi is waiting for her," she said softly, before turning on her heel and leaving.

And that was when things got really ugly.

Revan's eyes went huge, and she also slapped credits on the table and bolted. When she finally caught up with the Exile, she slapped her. "How dare you!" she seethed, looking furious. "How dare you come here and speak to me of him!"

The Exile's eyes flashed, holding her cheek. "How dare you!" she snarled back. "You were the one that abandoned him! He's a broken man, Revan, and for what?" A few tears formed in her eyes at her words, but she continued. "You destroyed him, just like you destroyed so many others! Will you ever stop abandoning people?"

Revan reared back as though physically slapped. "I had to do it," she rasped, though there was a pleading quality to her voice. "I had no choice."

The Exile seemed to swell up in fury. "No choice? You had every choice! Just like at Malachor! You knew what was going to happen! You made that choice Revan, and you sent us all there to _die_!"

Revan went white. "I didn't have a choice – if I hadn't acted then, the Republic would have fallen!"

The Exile snarled. "And then you fell, and the Republic was destroyed anyway," she sneered.

Revan's eyes narrowed. "You...ugh! In case you forgot, _General_, I wasn't the one who created and used the Generator," she replied scathingly. "That was all you. Those deaths are on your hands, not mine!"

This time the Exile was the one that stepped back. "How dare you..." she trembled, face white. "I was fighting for you Revan...but I'm the only one of us who still hears their voices in my head!" she screamed.

"I activated the Generator! I nearly died! I completely lost the Force! I was _destroyed _after that battle...yet I was the only one brave enough to go home!" she snarled, advancing on the startled looking Revan.

"You may think it was some sort of master plan of yours, sending me back. But only because you were too much of a coward to do it yourself! I had _nothing left_ and I still had that courage! But you, oh no, you had to go around making things worse! I may have destroyed Malachor V, but it was by _your _hand that the Republic failed! Coward!"

Revan's eyes flashed, which was the only warning the Exile got of the punch to her face. "You dare!" Revan seethed. "You make yourself out to be some sort of hero, but you're a bigger coward than I! You just ran away, from everything! From your masters, your followers, your best friend, even the damn Force!"

The Exile's eyes narrowed, but Revan wasn't done. "And don't get all righteous at me about leaving my crew behind...I notice you're on your own too," she sneered. "Still running I see."

The former General's expression fell briefly before she sneered back. "At least I'm not still running away from my responsibilities. Couldn't stand it as a Jedi, couldn't last as a Sith, and definitely couldn't last as any sort of decent girlfriend. It's a wonder he even remembers your name," she spat. "Replaced him yet?"

Looking furious, Revan's only response was to punch her again. "How _dare_ you! Useless schutta!"

The Exile turned her head to spit out the blood, mouth twisted in hate. "Screw you!"

Wordlessly, they attacked each other, letting out years of hate and remorse and frustration.

A swift kick to the head, and a punch to the nose. A twist of the elbow and a broken wrist. Two black eyes and one broken nose. One sprained ankle and five bruised ribs. The Force was forgotten completely as they tried their best to kill each other, hitting every inch they could reach.

Several minutes later, Revan collapsed on her oldest living friend, tears streaming down her cheeks. "Force, I can't do this anymore!" she sobbed.

The Exile rolled out from under her, gently massaging her bruised throat. She too felt the fight draining out of her, too tired to keep going. "Just don't replace your hands with the Force and we should be fine," she replied dryly, trying not to cry herself.

Revan hiccupped, covering her face. "You and your horrible sense of humour!" she sobbed, though she was smiling through her tears.

The Exile rubbed her head, wincing slightly. "I'll blame the mild concussion I may have right now," she continued, a half-smile on her face.

Both women then started laughing and crying hysterically, as though they couldn't hold it back anymore.

Several minutes of crazy laughter and sore stomachs later, both women were propped up against the nearest wall side-by-side, breathing heavily as they tried to stop. Revan leaned her head back against the wall, wincing as she used the Force to adjust her nose. "I'd forgotten how good it feels to just laugh," she commented absently, wiping the tears from her face.

The Exile merely nodded, frowning at her wrist. "It has been awhile, hasn't it?" she commented absently.

Then, as though nothing had happened, the two started healing each other, each wincing as they tried to get used to healing someone else for a change. It would have been faster for each girl to heal herself, but that wasn't the point here.

Revan wiped her mouth on her sleeve, trying to get all the blood off. "I'm sorry," she said quietly. "For...for everything. There's so much I can't...I can't take back, but I wanted you to know I'm sorry all the same. I didn't...I didn't want all these things to happen. I never meant for that final battle to go so badly. I didn't...I didn't want to abandon so many, but... I had to. And I'm so sorry."

The Exile's eyes widened slightly, but she nodded. "It's ok Revan. I'm not exactly squeaky-clean myself. Maybe if I had stayed, I could've helped. Leaving you behind just made things worse, even if I thought it was for the better. I...I'm sorry too."

Revan paused. "And...I didn't mean those things I said. I've just been so angry, and to have someone come along and know every wrong thing I've done...I'm so sorry."

"I wasn't exactly the nicest to you either Rev, so it's alright."

Long minutes passed in silence before Revan spoke again. "So did you actually have a message, or were you just trying to get me mad enough to beat me up?" she said, sounding tired.

She rolled her eyes. "You dummy, that was the message."

"Really? That...that was all?"

The Exile raised an eyebrow. "That's all? Apparently that's a heck of a lot more than he's got," she replied, and Revan fell silent again with a wince.

"I...I really had no choice. I knew I needed to do this...and he couldn't come with me," she said softly. "You...do you believe me?"

The Exile laughed bitterly. "Oh, I do. I could try and tell you that you could have at least told him, but that would be hypocritical."

Revan merely nodded, hardly surprised. "Did you tell any of them?"

She shook her head. "I was luckier than you, most of them were already long gone," she said quietly.

"Stasis, or sleeping?"

"Huh?"

Revan smiled. "Which was it for the...ah...'most loyal', General? Stasis, or sleeping?"

The Exile sighed. "What do you think?"

Revan just shrugged, and the girls resumed sitting in silence for awhile. "You know, General, we really are far too alike sometimes," she said wistfully.

The Exile shrugged, rubbing her head again. "Yeah. Except you still hit like a girl."

Revan glared, but the Exile just laughed. "You know it's true."

"Your eye says differently," she said crossly.

She smiled. "Yeah, it says that was a lucky punch."

Revan growled, but let the matter drop, resting her head against the wall. The Exile followed suit, looking about ready to sleep.

"You going to reply?"

Revan started slightly, frowning as she turned her head. "Hmm?"

The Exile remained looking at the ceiling. "You going to reply?"

Revan's gaze also moved up. "I don't know," she said quietly. "I...I don't deserve him."

The Exile snorted. "True. But since when has that stopped you?"

She frowned, and paused. "Is...is it selfish to go back now, after all I've done? Is it selfish to want him and to be happy with him?"

The Exile laughed. "You're asking the wrong person," she teased, her expression falling. "And it was rather selfish of you to leave him behind in the first place, and you know it," she said pointedly.

Revan raised an eyebrow, and the Exile lifted her hands in surrender. "Yeah yeah, I know that's hypocritical. Just saying is all," she continued, lapsing into silence.

Revan was almost asleep when the Exile spoke again. "You know...you don't have to do it all alone," she said kindly. "You don't have to do everything."

Revan looked back up at the ceiling. "But it's my fault," she whispered.

The Exile raised an eyebrow. "Strictly speaking, you didn't actually start the war. You just made it worse."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," Revan replied dryly, ignoring the sarcastic thumbs-up from her companion. "But it's still my fault."

"Boo-hoo."

"Figures. The first friendly face I see in months and she won't even let me wallow in guilt."

She grinned cheerfully. "It's what I'm here for," she replied, her grin then fading. "Seriously though, we've all got our burdens to bear – you and me just got quite a raw deal is all. It hurts so much, knowing what I've done...but I know I've got to try and move past it. Even if that seems impossible. And you do too."

Revan sighed. "I know. It's just...I don't feel like I deserve to. I ended so many lives...what right do I have to a normal life? Look at everything I destroyed – why should I be allowed to be happy?"

The Exile also sighed. "Believe me, I completely understand," she said sadly. "But being miserable is no way for us to start making it up to everyone – Kreia may have been a manipulative witch, but she was right on that account."

Revan blinked. "Kreia?"

The Exile waved her hand. "Long story," she said, smiling sadly. "But she was right – yes we single-handedly screwed things up quite a lot, and it will take decades for the worlds we destroyed to recover, but constantly dwelling on the past, rather than trying to move forward, is only going to make things worse. It's hard to believe, but to do any good, we have to be happy. Even if it feels completely wrong," she continued, before pausing. "Besides...what about Carth? Doesn't he deserve to be happy?"

Revan winced. "Yes," she said quietly.

The Exile clapped her hand on her shoulder. "Then it's decided. If you really want to, look at it as some sort of punishment – you have to deal with being the Admiral's wife-"

"He's an Admiral?"

"Obviously. Now let me finish. You have to be the Admiral's wife, deal with his apparently numerous issues-"

"What do you mean?"

"Let's just say you had some strange droids."

"...You found HK."

"Yeah. That was an experience. I can't decide whether he's brilliant or just creepy. Anyway, be quiet. Where was I? Oh yes, personal issues, and terrible fashion sense."

Revan raised an eyebrow. "He still wears the orange jacket?" she asked, smiling faintly at the memories.

The Exile frowned. "No, a bright red suit of armour. Can't decide if an orange jacket would've been worse. Now, shut up."

Revan looked amused. "Yes ma'am."

"You will also fall victim to his charms and become like his slave, unable to deny him anything when he gives you that cute little grin I'm sure he has somewhere. And I'm sure he'll make you spend the rest of your life making it up to him for the years you disappeared. And no more adventuring for you."

Revan smiled. "You're right, that does sound horrible."

The Exile lost her smile. "Whatever you do though, you should decide fast. He's been waiting...he's been hanging on a long time Revan. And to hear nothing from you...he doesn't even know if you're alive."

Revan sighed, hanging her head in her hands. "I know," she whispered. "Force, I make messes of everything, don't I?"

"Pretty much."

Revan rolled her eyes. "Thanks," she said dryly. "But...what about you?"

"What about me?" she asked.

"What will you do?"

The smile disappeared. "I don't know. I'm...I'm not ready to go back just yet. But I'm not stupid enough to make him wait years for me – he'd probably run off and marry some cantina dancer long before that," she said dryly. "Tell me what you know, and I'll run around here for a bit. After that...we'll see."

"Well, thank you for coming to find me. I...I needed it."

"Needed to know first?"

Revan sighed. "Yeah. No point going back if he...if he didn't want it. I kept putting it off, telling myself I had more to do, but really, I was scared of going home and... not having a home. I knew I was making it worse, the longer I stayed away, but I just...I just couldn't."

The Exile squeezed her shoulder. "It's ok, I understand better than most," she said gently. "But you should go. Better late than never."

Revan nodded, slowly pulling herself to her feet. The Exile followed, dusting off her clothes. Revan then grabbed her friend and pulled her into a hug. "Thank you," she said softly, muffled in the Exile's shoulder.

The Exile smiled, hugging her back. "You're welcome."


End file.
